The Ghost That Defines Me
by Angelkatt
Summary: We've got blue eyes, we've got green eyes, we've got grey eyes..." The envy Harry and Draco have for each other is complex.


The Ghost that Defines Me  
  
Angelkatt  
  
nightgate6@yahoo.com May 16, 2002  
  
Rating: G  
  
Disclaimer: HP belongs to JK  
  
AN: Lengthy at bottom to explain suckiness...Written just when I started reading slash but go too blushy when thinking of writing slash. Still haven't really gotten over that yet. Hmm...  
  
Summary:"We've got blue eyes, we've got green eyes, we've got grey eyes..." Harry and Draco envy each other.  
  
*****  
  
I could never stand the way he looked at me. It was as if he could tell what I was thinking and was judging me for it. Even when I had no malicious intentions, he still made me feel guilty. His stare haunted me and will forever continue to haunt me, no matter what I do to wipe it away from my memory.  
  
It's impossible for me to find redemption in this world because he's always there. He will always look down on me and make me feel unworthy. He is such a noble man that I can do nothing else but feel unworthy in his presence. 'The Boy who Lived' is shaping the man I become. I hope and pray that being a Malfoy and a Slytherin will change this destiny.  
  
He was ruled by destiny, that poor Potter boy. He could never achieve his full capabilities because his life was set in stone. I'm different. They can't look into my eyes and expect to see an answer to the future. They have no expectations from me. We are different people, Potter and I. That's what I keep telling myself, but that's not the truth.  
  
You see, no matter what we do, our future is set out for us. No Divination crap. It's more superficial than that. The meaning of our being is predisposed into everyone's heads like black and white. It is something that will always be against me. People wonder why I have to be so evil. Well my dears, I stopped trying to be anything and no one noticed. Potter knows what I'm talking about. Our silent understanding is worth more than the world.  
  
I used to be sad because we weren't that different. I had the same burden of destiny weighing me to the ground. The same responsibilities for the future were pushing me under. My past was like his, but I got out of it.  
  
It's hard passing him in the hall. Our eyes are drawn to each other. It's a natural habit when I see him because I know that body so intimately. His green eyes remind me of everything I've ever done wrong. The slight brush of his hand on mine warns me of something I shouldn't be afraid of.  
  
When life got hard, we both ran. And we literally ran into each other. The first time, there was an unspoken understanding between the two sets of pained eyes. I remember the exact way those grey eyes talked to me. His grey eyes told me he needed an escape from his destiny too. That was the first time I realized I loved his grey eyes. Now, whenever I see them, some deep sorrow emerges from my chest.  
  
When the two of us are alone and I see those eyes, I know our time is up. I know I carry the burden of the world again. I know he feels the burden of family again. We both lose some comfort we felt throughout the day. We are both back to what we were born to be. I can't be reckless anymore and he can't afford to be compassionate. We're strangers in our own skin, and it's only when I see that trademark green vial that I can be relieved. Then the only trace of Harry Potter in me melts away and emerges from the man in front of me.  
  
Neither of us is defined by our names anymore and we can be what we've always wanted. As we go back into the hall and walk our separate ways, it has become tradition to turn to each other and nod. It seemingly seals our deal and fate until the Polyjuice Potion wears off again. Until next time, the person behind the eyes is responsible for a different destiny.  
  
Sometimes, it's clearer than any other day. Sometimes, we forget who we are. Draco and I trade sorrow filled glances and painfully bear the feelings that are attached to our name as we wait for the day to pass. It's odd, really, how one man's pain can be another man's salvation. Right now, that is the only thing keeping us alive. The small satisfaction of escaping who we hate and embracing what we envy. It's the only thing that drives us these days. I will be Draco Malfoy as long as I can but tomorrow, we get to start again.  
  
End  
  
*****  
  
A.N: Was it too confusing? Sorry.I tend to imagine things making sense when they don't (just ask my writing class). I tried though. Maybe if no one understands I'll rewrite again. I actually wrote the story in Malfoy's pov when he looked like Harry and then three months later I remembered the idea but forgot I wrote the story so I wrote one in Harry's pov when looking like Draco. When I found out I had already written the story before, I just combined the two and am now posting it a year later. I'm too lazy to read over it too.I need a beta. *pouts* Anyone?  
  
'Tomorrow We Start Again February' 19, 2002  
  
'The Ghost that Defines Me' May 16, 2002  
  
'Defines Me' posted May 16, 2003  
  
Yeah I'm a dork. -Katt 


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